The Butterfly Garden

When I first met Charlotte, in 2005, I was playing a lot of open-mic nights around Bristol. She decided I must be some sort of super-cool rock star type of person. She was wrong, of course, but luckily she still liked me anyway. Loved me, in fact, with all of her heart. As I loved her right back.

Charlotte first came to watch me at an open mic night in the ‘Bunch of Grapes,’ a small pub in an alley behind the Bristol Hippodrome. She came with a couple of her friends, including her best friend, Louise, who I’d known since my teacher training year at Bristol Uni.

I felt so attracted to Charlotte. She was gorgeous and friendly and funny, and very easy to talk to. We chatted away as if we were instant best friends ourselves. Except for when I got up to play some of my songs. But we pretty much ignored Louise, and her other friend, for most of the evening.

A few years later, during our wedding ceremony, instead of having readings, I played guitar and sang a song by Ben Folds called ‘The Luckiest.’ I meant every single word. Charlotte was a wonderful and very lovely woman, and I was lucky to be loved by her.

After our daughter Emily was born, there was no more time for singing or writing songs. I put my guitar away. But then, out of the blue, Charlotte suddenly became ill. After only eight weeks of illness, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We were told she only had 4 to 6 weeks left to live. She was 33 years old.

In amongst those last few weeks, as everything rapidly turned from bad to horrendous, I would sit on the edge of our bed and play guitar for her again, as she lay propped up on a pile of many pillows. She wanted to hear some of the old songs I’d written in the years we were together. Songs about how much I loved her, and how much better my life had become since being with her.

One day I improvised a new melody over some chords. ‘That’s beautiful,’ she whispered, and I secretly resolved to turn it into one last song for her. A song for Charlotte. But I wasn’t able to finish it in time. The music was ready, but the right words wouldn’t come. Everything happened too fast.

It was less than four weeks from the diagnosis until Charlotte passed away in her room at St. Peter’s Hospice. Three days afterwards, I sat on our bed at home and I picked up my guitar. But I felt like I didn’t want to play anymore, if Charlotte was no longer there to listen.

Then I started playing the new tune, the one she’d liked so much. The rest of the words poured from my heart. In only a few minutes, the song was finished. And I cried. I cried a lot.

I looked down at the words of the chorus, written on tear-stained paper. “I want the world to see just what you mean to me.” I decided to sing my song at Charlotte’s funeral, as part of the eulogy. I felt like that was the closest I could get to playing it for my lovely wife.

When the day arrived, I stood in front of everyone who had ever loved her, with shaking hands and a shaking voice, and I sang it as best I could. For Charlotte.

Then I stood at the lectern and told everybody how she wanted us to carry on; that she’d asked me to promise we would all say and do positive things, after she was gone. To strengthen our friendships, so we could look after each other, and help each other through the difficult times ahead.

I loved Charlotte very dearly. I’ve had some very difficult times since we lost her. I was truly devastated for a long time. But I promised her I would be positive and try my best to carry on with life. And here I am, 12 years later, coping, and surviving, and finding my way into the future, and also deciding to share these songs with you on this blog.

I know Charlotte would be proud of me for continuing to write and sing through the dark times. She would encourage and support me to share these songs with you now. But she’s not here anymore. And she will never be here again. It’s still hard to write those words, even after all this time. I will always miss Charlotte, and I will always love her dearly.

I wrote many songs for my lovely and beautiful wife, over the years we were together. But this one, perhaps the most important one, is simply called ‘A song for Charlotte.’ I hope you enjoy it.

‘A song for Charlotte’

Lyrics to ‘A song for Charlotte’

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Take my hand, lift me up,

I want you more than I can say,

So much love, so many years,

You’ve been so kind…

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I want to thank you for your love, it’s all I need,

I want the world to see just what you mean to me.

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Autumn leaves, an endless storm,

So little time, why can’t you stay?

You’ve had so much pain, and so many fears,

But you’ve been so brave…

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I want to thank you for your love, it’s all I need,

I want the world to see just what you mean to me.

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You gave me your strength,

You gave me hope,

You gave me belief when I was lost,

You opened my eyes,

You helped me see,

You made me the best man I could be…

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Now all of my days,

All of my life,

I’ll make sure that Emily will be alright,

But how can you be,

So far away,

Darling I just wish you could’ve stayed…

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I want to thank you for your love, it’s all I need,

I want the world to see just what you mean to me.

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I want to thank you for your love, it’s all I need,

I want the world to see just what you mean to me.

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Take my hand, kiss my lips,

I love you more than I can say…

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