The Butterfly Garden

When my daughter turned two years old, I organised a birthday party at our home and invited the toddlers of Charlotte’s friends, and the NCT group, and the nursery friends.

We had a party in the back garden, and Emily toddled around, playing with her friends, whilst I organised the party games, handed out the food and drink, and eventually remembered to light the candles on the cake.

The children sat at a long table in the garden to eat their food. The parents stood behind them, chatting away, and occasionally checking that their child was actually eating. Everyone was very polite.

Charlotte had been gone for six months by then. Emily had just turned 19 months old when her mum died. By the time of her 2nd birthday, she was still too young to know what had happened, and so were the other children.

But I could hear Charlotte’s voice in the garden, as she mingled and chatted and caught up with all the gossip. I could imagine her taking a turn with the new babies, and empathising with the other mums. Everyone loved to chat with Charlotte. She was a brilliant friend to a great many people.

Later that evening, as I put Emily down in her cot, and then began to tidy up the party mess, I broke down and sobbed. How could Charlotte not be here anymore? It didn’t make any sense. How could she not be at her own daughter’s birthday party?

And what would I say to Emily, when she was old enough to understand?

Now let’s fast-forward through 12 very difficult years. Emily has become a teenager, and we’ve had many chats about her mum. We’ve laughed and we’ve cried together. But I’d never shared any of my songs with her before.

I decided that needed to change.

A couple of months ago, Emily sat on the other sofa in our living room, holding her phone to her chest. I messaged her a link to a song that I wrote for her when she was 2 years old. A song for her future. Now it was finally time for her to hear it.

She put her earpods in, tapped on the link, and then listened to the song on repeat for about 20 minutes. Then she sent me this message:

Then we shared a big hug, and I promised to always be here for her, and also to share more of my music with her. So perhaps she’s reading along with this blog, like you are.

Emily, please know that I am very proud of you. I know Charlotte would be too. We’ve been through so much together, you and I, and we’re still finding our way into the future. But I will always help you to make it a good future. And, as the song says, I will always catch you if you fall.

I love you, Emily.

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‘High wire’

Lyrics to ‘High wire’

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Emily, take my hand,

I’m going to help you climb,

That’s who we’re going to be,

That’s how we live our lives.

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Here on the high wire,

I’m ready to catch you if you fall…

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Emily, life is hard,

Both of us miss your mum,

But all we can do is try,

That’s how the good days come.

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Underneath the high wire,

I’ll be ready to catch you if you fall…

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And we will have…

Black days,

Blue days,

“Got to make it through” days…

Red days,

Green days,

“I can’t believe it’s real” days…

We’re falling apart,

But now we’re holding on to what we can,

And I believe we’ll make it, Emily…

~

Here on the high wire,

I’ll be ready to catch you if you fall,

Underneath the high wire,

I’m ready to catch you if you fall,

Darling girl of mine,

I love you, and I’ll catch you if you fall…

~

Next post: A song for Jack (coming soon)

Previous post: A song for Charlotte

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