The Butterfly Garden

So far in this butterfly garden, I’ve included a song for my wife, my daughter, and my son. And now I can hear Charlotte’s voice, telling me to include a song for myself as well. But what should I tell you about myself, and what kind of song would it be?

At the time of writing this, I’m 46 years old, and I live in Bristol with my daughter, Emily. I’ve been raising her on my own since she was 19 months old, and now she’s a teenager, just turned 14.

I became a widowed parent aged 34, and since then I’ve had to find my way back from post-traumatic stress, insomnia, grieving a complex double bereavement, including baby loss, and then a long period of serious depression and anxiety which I kept hidden from everyone.

I’m glad and relieved to be through those many difficulties now. I feel more ready to face the future, and to have a better time in the life up ahead. But none of that tells you who I really am. It only tells you of my circumstances.

So I wonder how I should describe myself now, and I don’t know what to say. Then I have a memory of Charlotte. She’s giving me a birthday card. It feels important, and I follow the memory deeper. It was the last card she wrote to me, with her last ever message. I need to remember her words.

Charlotte was sitting in our bed, propped up on a pile of many pillows. It was four days before she went into the hospice, and just two weeks before she died. I sat next to her on the bed, as she gave me an envelope with my name written on the front, in her neatest handwriting.

I opened the envelope, with tears forming in my eyes. We both knew it was the last birthday card she’d ever give me. There was a drawing of a robin on the card, red and brown. There was a speech bubble pointing from the robin. It said: ‘To my lovely husband…’

I slowly opened the card, trying not to cry. Here was Charlotte’s last ever message to me:

‘To my lovely husband,

You are more than just lovely, you are my wonderful, supportive, talented, gorgeous, thoughtful, kind, patient, funny and strong rock.

I hope this birthday is a really special one – you deserve so much.

All my love and big hugs, Charlotte xxxx’

I still feel upset when I read those words. But I feel very grateful to have been loved so well, by someone so special. And I’m lucky that Charlotte was able to write those words for me, whilst she still had time.

And yet we were so horribly unlucky that she was taken from us so young. Charlotte was my best friend, lover, and soulmate. We were partners in all things. We would’ve had a great future together, along with our children.

But here I am, in a very different future from what I imagined, taking comfort from her words. There have been times in the last few years when I’ve really hated myself for what happened back then, especially with our baby boy, Jack. I’ve had periods of withdrawl, where I’ve felt very negative about myself.

Reading Charlotte’s words reminds me how kind and loving she was towards me. Even in the midst of having to cope with terminal cancer and baby loss. She was a brave and wonderful woman, and I must remember how highly she thought of me, and how she wanted me to be happy and build a good future for myself.

I once talked about it with a music therapist at St. Peter’s Hospice. She encouraged me to write a song in Charlotte’s voice, to try and find what she would say to me. I couldn’t manage it for many years. But eventually, when I did, I wrote this next song.

It’s called ‘My heart rises’ and please imagine it is Charlotte writing and singing this to me. I will forever be grateful for the love she gave me. It sustains me, and it helps me, and it lives here inside this butterfly garden, and in this song, even as I continue to find my way into the future.

Thank you, Charlotte, for the love we shared. You were very wonderful to me.

~

‘My heart rises’

Lyrics to ‘My heart rises’

~

Hey, lovely man of mine,

Tell me what’s on your mind,

Sing me your favourite songs,

Show me that I belong.

~

Hold me closer, and love me more each day,

My heart rises every time you look my way.

~

Meet me when I get home,

Warm me when I feel cold,

Tell me of days gone by,

Stay with me all my life.

~

And here on this journey, love me come what may,

My heart rises every time you look my way.

~

Now hold me close and say to me,

That I’m all you could want,

That I’m all you need,

As I hope, and I dream,

My heart rises each and every time that you love me.

~

So here on this journey, love me come what may,

My heart rises every time you look my way.

~

Hold me closer, and love me more each day,

My heart rises every time you look my way.

~

My heart rises every time you look my way,

My heart rises every time you look my way…

~

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