In this memory, I am sitting in my chair next to Charlotte’s bed in her room at St. Peter’s Hospice. Light streams in from the large windows opposite me, with a great view across the gardens. Charlotte has a room to herself, with a private bathroom. It seems they’ve given her the prime location.
My lovely wife is sitting in her bed, propped up against a pile of many pillows. She is looking down at a magazine on her lap, reading the latest celebrity gossip. She turns the page, and then she tucks her shoulder-length hair behind her ear. She smiles to herself, then she turns the page once more.
Suddenly she looks up, and she frowns at me.
“Oh, I meant to tell you, I had a counsellor come and see me yesterday about getting you some help.”
“Getting me some help?” I reply.
“Yes, I know what you’re like, you never ask for help with anything, even when you really need it. And I was bored yesterday, and nothing was happening, so I went down to reception and asked them about counselling, and they sent this man up to talk to me, but I can’t remember what his name is. He wasn’t very helpful, actually. I felt quite cross with him, to be honest with you.”
“Okay…”
“And I said to him ‘Can you pencil in some dates for my husband, cause he’ll need to talk to someone, and he’ll never ask you himself, but he’ll need the help, so can you book him in some sessions please.’”
“Oh. Right. And what did he say?”
“Not much, really. He said he’d need to book them with you directly, should the need arrive. And that I should be thinking of myself right now instead. And I told him exactly what I wanted for you, several times, but he still wouldn’t do it. It was very annoying.
“So will you promise me that you’ll book it yourself, and get some help, cause I know you’re really going to need it. So will you do it, John, please?”
“Yeah. I will.”
“But will you, though? This is important.”
“I know. I was already thinking that I would.”
“Really? Why’s that? I thought you’d hate that sort of thing.”
“Yeah, but, umm…” I trail off, and I stare at the floor.
“No, go on, tell me. It’s important.”
“Well I was thinking that, umm… I was thinking about Emily, when she’s older, you know, and how she’s going to feel. And how can I help her with her own feelings, if I haven’t learnt how to deal with mine. So I know I’ll need to do it. And I know I’ll need the help. So I’ll do it for Emily, as well as me.”
Charlotte goes very quiet. She studies her hands in her lap. It looks like she is suddenly fighting back tears. She’s so upset to know that she won’t be here as her daughter grows up. I wish I’d said it differently.
“But, you know… I do know I’ll need the help. So thank you.”
“Okay,” Charlotte says, wiping away tears. “Just make sure you do it, okay? I really need you to do that.”
“Yes, Charlotte. I will.”
I always wanted to be the one helping Charlotte through any difficulty. I always tried my best to help her, and support her, even as she got more and more horribly ill. Yet there was no way to stop this cholangiocarcinoma from ending her life. I couldn’t save her. Nobody could.
All I could do was stay at her side, and be there for her. And afterwards, when the hospice offered me help, I went to group sessions and individual sessions and music therapy. Then I went home, and I poured my feelings into my songs.
This next song is about caring for Charlotte, until the very end of her life. It’s called ‘Hold on to me’.
~
‘Hold on to me’
Lyrics to ‘Hold on to me’
~
From the very first day,
I was glad to be on your side,
You’ve brought me such joy,
In all that we do,
And I’m loving you with pride…
~
But we get the bad news,
Your illness is getting worse,
And you don’t have much time,
It’s hard to believe,
But I’m ready to be on your side…
~
I want to help you,
I want to save you,
From all of this heartache,
I’ve always loved you,
All of my life,
Darling hold on to me…
~
You feel so upset,
And you want to be on your own,
You ask me to leave,
And I’ll do as you say,
But I’m ready to be on your side…
~
I want to help you,
I want to save you,
From all of this heartache,
I’ll always love you,
All of my life,
Darling hold on to me…
~
And I will do anything you need,
And I will do all that you ask,
And I will keep fighting for your life,
Any chance I get, I will love and comfort you…
~
You’re fading away,
But you just want a normal day,
You don’t want the tears,
So we put them away,
And help you enjoy your time…
~
I want to help you,
I want to save you,
From all of this heartache,
I’ve always loved you,
All of my life,
Darling hold on to me.
~
I want to help you,
Wish I could save you,
From all of this heartache,
But I’ll always love you,
All of my life,
Darling hold on to me…
~
We reach the last day,
And still I am on your side…
~
Next post: ‘October’ (Coming soon)
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