When my daughter was small, she would refuse to say ‘the day after tomorrow.’ She would insist on calling it ‘tomorrow tomorrow’ instead. And if something was happening in 3 days’ time, then that would be ‘tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.’
Emily was even younger, at just 18 months old, when her mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And she was only 19 months old when Charlotte died, in October 2013.
Now Emily is 14, and she might be old enough to hear the story of that final month with Charlotte. But it almost defies belief. So much happened. It’s hard for Emily to understand it. I’m not even sure I fully understand it myself.
Charlotte had been coping with a chest pain since the start of August, 2013. She was also pregnant with our second child. The doctors had found a growth on her liver, which was pressing on a nerve. They’d diagnosed it as an adenoma, which are known to happen during pregnancy.
It had grown so quickly, in just 8 weeks, that Charlotte was due to have surgery to remove it. But the pre-op blood work showed signs of cancer. An urgent biopsy was scheduled. We got the results on the last day of September. It was terminal cancer. Metastatic cholangiocarcinoma.
The next day was Tuesday 1st October. An obstetrician came to see us on the ward. She wanted to discuss if we needed an advanced stage termination. The doctors had told her that Charlotte might have 6 weeks left to live. That wouldn’t be enough for our baby boy.
On Wednesday 2nd October, the oncologist gave us the official prognosis. Charlotte had 4-6 weeks left to live. And there was no way for our baby boy to survive. We had to lose him.
Then, on Thursday 3rd October, we went to St Michael’s Hospital, to the Neo-Natal department. We had to start the process for an advanced stage termination.
On Saturday 5th October, we had to say hello and goodbye to our son, Jack Wilfred Crozier. I had never felt so broken-hearted in all my life.
A week later, it was my birthday. Charlotte wanted me to have a special day. But the next morning she deteriorated, and I had to take her back to the Bristol Royal Infirmary. They transferred her to St. Peter’s Hospice.
I arranged Jack’s funeral for Friday 18th October. The hospice managed to get Charlotte stable enough to come with me to the chapel, and to the memorial garden for babies. She also had two rounds of chemotherapy. We hoped it would give her more time.
But Charlotte passed away, in her room at the hospice, on 29th October, 2013. She was 33 years old, and she’d only been unwell for 12 weeks. It all happened so incredibly fast.
It’s fair to say that October has always been a difficult month since then. So many horrible memories. First my son, and then my wife. It’s a lot to cope with. A lot to endure.
Yet here I am, putting one foot in front of the other, and continuing to stumble into a future I never asked for. And somehow, with every year that passes, October becomes slightly less impossible to bear.
Eventually, I wrote a song about how I’ll always miss Charlotte at this time of year. Now I will pick myself up again, and sing my song, and I’ll carry on with my daughter into each new tomorrow.
This song is simply called ‘October.’
~
‘October’
Lyrics to ‘October’
~
Autumn days and the wind begins to turn,
I stand here but you’re down beneath the earth,
Empty space where you’re supposed to be,
This broken heart and the memories,
Of all that we fought for,
And what’s it for?
What’s it for?
When tomorrow,
Tomorrow,
I’m only going to miss you all the more…
~
I’ll be watching Emily swimming in the pool,
Chasing leaves as we’re walking home from school,
Everything you’re supposed to see,
The best of us and you’re meant to be here,
And all that we fought for,
And I know,
And I know,
That tomorrow,
Tomorrow,
I’m only going to miss you all the more…
~
Empty space where you’re supposed to be,
This broken heart and the memories,
Of all that we fought for,
And I live on…
I live on…
But tomorrow,
Tomorrow,
I’m only going to miss you all the more…
~
Tomorrow,
Tomorrow,
I’m only going to miss you all the more…
~
Tomorrow,
Tomorrow,
I’m only going to miss you all the more…
~
Next post: Lost boy (Coming soon)
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